SHERYL CROW WANTS A BAN ON TOILET PAPER

Sheryl Crow calls for a limit on ... butt-wipes

Yes, you read right.

The pop singer and activist called for a ban on poopy squares, saying that a mini-prohibition on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help... what else ... the environment.

OK, altogether now ...

S - I - G - H

First they wanted us to separate our garbage and I got on that bandwagon; then they start pushing their Smartcars - hybrids and electric or battery-operated vehicles that would help our dependency on the
gangsters in the middle east. While I, myself, don't want to drive a Matchbox car, I understand why people would and do. So fine. Drive your toy car.

But now, I have to say something. I like toilet paper. I like having an extreme amount of the stuff. Mounds and mounds of it in my garage, in fact. What's more, when Target has a sale, we're there, buying way more than we should. And don't even get me started about the stuff at work. I dutifully use much more than anyone should.

So the facts: Kooky Crow has suggested using only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.

I'm on a Probiotics regimen and all but, let's be real, that's still like every other time. There are many "pesky" occasions. Of late, the 45 year-old Grammy winner just toured the US on a biodiesel-powered bus to raise awareness about climate change. She teamed up with fellow environmental activist Laurie David (Mrs. Larry David) for the shows.

The MILFY duo targeted 11 university campuses to persuade kiddies to help combat the world's environmental problems. "I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming," Crow wrote on her web site. "Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting."

On the site, she also commented that she thinks paper napkins "represent the height of wastefulness."

Everyone ... S - I - G - H

Her solution? She's designed a clothing line with what she calls a dining sleeve. Get this ... The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another dining sleeve after the diner has used it to wipe his or her mouth.

Everyone ... Ewww

Can't you just see those in Vogue?

Until next time,

-- Mr. Wipple