IT'S CHILLER TIME: RECAP OF CHILLER THEATER OCT. 24-26

It's Chiller Theater Time once again... Be it stamps, photography, computers, blogging or whatever. There's a geek in us all. That said, this weekend was the latest meeting of the Chiller Theatre. For those who aren't privy, Chiller Theater is a stupendous meeting of everything B-list, schlocky, gory, funny, sci-fi and horrific. Hipsters, motorheads, goths, geeks and nerds unite for this three day convention of peddlers offering their wares and more importantly, the C- to Z- listers who attend to sign autographs and meet their fans.

But let's be real, all of the bootlegs, one-sheets, tee-shirts and memorabilia can be found on eBay. Chiller is about about the celebs attending because that's really the only reason why anyone really goes. Well, that, and all of the scantily clad chicks walking around with barely nothing on with a dog chain around their neck...

That's Chiller...

Here are some thoughts on the roughly 50 celebs in attendance:

NOTE: THESE PICS ARE NOT FROM THE SHOW...

THE SWEATHOGS of "Welcome Back Kotter"

Ron Palillo - Horseshack from "Welcome Back Kotter" looked like, well, horseshit. Every time I looked at him, he looked like he had a sad sort of mope on his face. Maybe it was the smackdown that Screech gave him in Fox's "Celebrity Boxing" in 2002. Palillo, who was introduced as "The Pulverizer," attempted to stare Diamond down, and even shoved him after the fighters had been given their pre-fight instructions. Once the bell rang, however, Diamond was in complete control. Palillo was knocked down twice in round two, and the fight was stopped at the time 1:23 in the same round. Palillo finished the bout with a pair of black eyes.


Robert Hedges - Played Juan Julio de Huevos Epstein, who was part Puerto Rican, part Jewish. He was often late for class and had his trusty note for teacher Mr. Kotter. At first glance, he reminded me of Slash's dumpy older cousin. Wow, that's Juan Epstein. Age is a bitch.

Lawrence-Hilton Jacobs - Best known for the smoothe "Hi there ..." and "Mr. Kottt...er" taglines, the actor who played Freddie 'Boom Boom' Washington was the best preserved of the Sweathogs. Truth be told, none of the trio looked all that excited to be there.

Billy Redden - Who??? You know 'em. One word. Inbred. Okay, two. Banjo kid. Okay, one more. "Deliverance." Ahhh, yes... The freaky banjo kid from one of the freakiest hillbilly horror flicks of all time. Redden now, God only knows how old he is, doesn't look a lick like he did and resembles some old Kentucky cotton poacher. he did, however, have a banjo with him. I wonder if anyone asked him to play it.

Ralph Macchio - Quite possibly the one celeb I was most stoked to meet and I can say with all honesty that I've never met a more underwhelming personality in my life. OK, so I shook his hand twice, he didn't seem thrilled to meet any fans and all I can hypothesize is that he had to be embarrassed by the whole shindig. Like this was the last stop for him on the road to oblivion. "C'mon," I felt like saying, "You're Daniel fucking La Russo!!"



... Not to mention lost puppy Johnny Cade from "The Outsiders."
"DO IT FOR JOHNNY, MAN!! DO IT FOR JOHNNY!!"



So, buck up Ralph, you're a headliner... Next time, act like one. Be it. Feel it.

John Schneider - Like my buddy Joe proudly proclaimed, "I think I have a man crush on John Schneider." I dunno what they serve in the water out in La La Land - be it vitamins or human growth hormone - but the former Bo Duke of "The Dukes of Hazzard" looks not a day over 35. Seriously, he must have sold his soul to the devil. Life's been good to him and it shows.

What's more, he had a more-than-savvy autograph show presentation. His booth was stocked to the gills with goodies like DVD sets of "Smallville" (where he stars as Jonathan Kent), General Lee hats, 'Duke' T-shirts. PLUS ... he was the only Chiller guest celeb that I ever saw that had a MasterCard/Visa placard displayed on their table. He raked it in.

Barry Williams - Not sure how I felt about Greg Brady. I dunno, too many of these guys approach these shows as a business which is fine, but I don't want to KNOW THAT while I'm talking to them. I grew up watching many of these people and as an only child, they really did keep me company after school for hours at a time, To that end, it seems kinda wrong that Greggors is hawking his wrinkly, old "Brady Bunch" scripts and had tiki replicas available for signing. It screams a tad of desperation and a tad of "I don't care if I hold on to my life's keepsakes." It sort of cheapens the entire aura of a classic sitcom and what it means to the general audience who loved it. Suggestion to all celebs: Maybe keep it to 8 x 10s, a book you wrote and perhaps DVD sets (if you MUST peddle something of high value). The second certain stars start prepping custom guitar picks, G-Strings, baby doll shirts or whatever, it just seems that the fans are starting to get taken advantage of. And that's just wrong.

Erik Estrada - I'm bummed cuz I usually go for only one autograph per Chiller Show and Estrada would have been my second (behind Macchio). Growing up, "CHiPs' was the shit and Ponch was right up there behind The Fonz. While I didn't get to talk to Estrada, he was flashing those pearly whites, looked genuinely happy to be there and I suspect, did very well at the show. Perhaps next time...

Corey Haim - OK, I'm gonna admit that I watched "The Two Coreys" over the last summer, and while I thought that Haim looked like a would-be junkie, he looked more so in person. What's more, I was amazed that he appeared to be even more gaunt than he appeared on TV and much much smaller. He seemed to be having a genuinely busy time and seemed like a nice-as-heck dude. Just saying' ... The coffee swigging, twittery nature, sunglasses and string bean appearance concerned me.

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A CHILLER OF A WEEKEND

At heart, we're all geeks for what we love.

Be it stamps, photography, computers, blogging or whatever. There's a geek in every guy and gal. That said, this weekend was the latest meeting of the Chiller Theatre. It's a stupendous meeting of everything B-list, schlocky, gory, funny and horrific.

Hipsters, motorheads, goths, geeks and nerds unite for this three day convention of peddlers offering their wares and more importantly, the B- and C-listers who attend to sign autographs and meet their fans.

This time out, I was with three buds and one of their wives and the time couldn't be better spent. I mean, really, who doesn't love tailgating in a hotel parking lot, sipping on barely cold Miller Light cans and chowing down on Shop-Rite pretzels? Scoff as you may, but it was a frikkin' blast.

Let's talk about the celebs attending because, let's be real, that's really the only reason why anyone goes. Well, that, and all of the scantily clad chicks walking around with barely nothing on with a dog chain around their neck... That's Chiller. As for all of the bootlegs, one-sheets, tee-shirts and memorabilia? They can all be found on eBay.

Here are some thoughts on the roughly 50 celebs in attendance:

David Arquette (of the Arquette acting dynasty): And more importantly, the dude that Courtney Cox looks as she opens those baby blues. Honestly? I couldn't figure out why the dude was there. Other than the massive "Scream" franchise, what else has there been? Perhaps I'm being unfair since, hell, his line was probably the longest. What's more his imdb resume is hella long. Half of it, however, no one will know; but no one can say the dude doesn't work. I understand he was also producer on wifey's FX series "Dirt" which was a skeevy, yet interesting TV series on the celebrity tabloid biz which probably won't be back. I dug it, though. I think...

Kristy "Old school Buffy" Swanson (of ... hell, who cares? it's Kristy Swanson): In the '80s, their wasn't a teenaged boy alive that wasn't into the All-American sweetness of Kristy Swanson. What a cutie! Need proof? Her one dinky scene in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" was enough to send chills down my 17-year old spine. But alas, flash forward some 20-odd years and well, I'll be kind, we ALL pack on a few pounds. Plus, she also had a child in February so we'll give her six months to battle the scale. -- Then again, she may not want to since there's rumblings that the actress will play Anna Nicole Smith in a biopic of the ill-fated blond bombshell. All in all it was good seeing Kristy, especially seeing the two Joe's I was with lust after her. Brutal honesty? She way too hot to morph into the new Shelly Winters. C'mon, Kristy, we'll give you six months to drop the baby weight and channel your November 2002 self in which you gorgeously graced the pages of Playboy.


Mason Reese (of every '70s commercial known to man): The moppet-like TV tyke who captured our hearts with cutie-pie commercials hawking all sorts of crap. This was TV cuteness before Gary Coleman, Emmanuel Lewis, et al. Here we are almost 30 years and 300 pounds later, the dude looks exactly the same and what's more, rockin' the same colonial haircut. I'm personally holding out for Mikey of LIFE cereal fame. Wait, didn't he die eating Pop Rocks?!

Here's one of Mason's creepy commercials:


And finally ... drum roll, please ...


Eric Roberts (of every cool '80s flick known to man) - Don't mean to cuss but, how fucking cool? A childhood idol of mine, I've been watching the Oscar-nominated thesp since I was a kid. In fact, it was his film "The Pope of Greenwich Village" so-starring Mickey Rourke that pretty much solidified my love for characters, words and the worlds in which they inhabit. As for his demeanor, he couldn't have been cooler with people. I've been to enough of these shows to know when celebs are pretty much phoning it in.

Extremely personable, he smiled at everyone, shook their hands (hope he had some Purell) and gave them what was probably their best Chiller Show moment ever. He looked like he was having a blast. When I gave him my "Pope of Greenwich Village" script to sign, he almost seemed taken aback and asked, "Where'd you get THIS?" I told him that I've had it since the '80s, and truth be told, it was the first script I ever read or bought. In fact, it was the very model that taught me the basic foundations of screenwriting and moreover, my love for movies. To have him sign it was a great moment. For him, I think that maybe it was a relief that there was a fan who remembered his earlier, better-received work than some of the campier films he eventually fell into like "The Best of the Best." But the guy works - 153 films and TV shows.

Back in the early '80s, if there was ever a possible heir to the Brando throne, it was him. Need proof? Just rent"King of the Gypsies," "Raggedy Man," "Runaway Train" and "Star 80" to see.
Check him out here in "Runaway Train" with Jon Voight.



Currently, he's in the NBC smash "Heroes." Here's a video where he's interviewed.



Other "stars" in attendance:

Thomas Jane - A Chiller Show coux (btw, how the hell do you spell this?). He was awesome in "The Punisher" although one of the Joes thought they should've cast someone bulkier. C'mon, Joe, it's about the acting! This dude can act. Check him out in the HBO Mickey Mantle biopic "*52." Tom Jane trivia: He's David Arquette's bro in law. He married to Arquette's sister Patricia.

Margot Kidder - A bonafide train wreck. Proof-positive that she should've paid more attention to all those "this is your brain on drugs" PSAs. There's hope, though. She recently landed on the ABC drama "Brothers & Sisters" so good for her. To me, she'll always be that sultry, smoky-voiced Lois Lane. But damn ...

Martin Kove - Or ... as you all know him, "Sensei" of the Cobra Kai Dojo in "The Karate Kid." Man, was he ever present in his crotch-huggin' pants, sportin' all that frosted hair. Here's a present for all you "Karate Kid" fans. You know who you are...

Other random show highlights: One of the Joes screaming "Sweep the leg, Marty!" to Martin Kove as he's leaving the crapper; ... Another Joe, telling Kristy Swanson that he loved her in the 1994 Charlie Sheen cheese-fest "The Chase"; ... Eric Roberts telling me that we share the same middle name; ... My friend "Droopy" buying a fuckin' Spider-Man comic book. A highlight because "Droopy" doesn't buy anything that doesn't revolve around music; ... And finally, Joe's wife, giddy as a toddler, visiting Disney World for the first time - not knowing where to look, buy, see or walk. We had to have the "Let's calm down" talk with her.

Until next time,

-- Mogambo

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